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"Proclamation" 7/22/02 To: Randy Michaels From: Ron Jacobs I’m not one to kick a person when he’s down, but since you proved to me during our exchange of phone calls in May 2001, you are definitely not a person —and on behalf of everyone in radio without the ability or vocabulary to do so—here’s a Proclamation just for you, turkey. PROCLAMATION By the Big Kahuna Whereas Candy Ass Randy Michaels parlayed no discernable talent other than his unquenchable hunger to kiss ass and attract attention to his loathsome self to a position of some import in American radio; and Whereas, Michaels stepped over, bullied, cheated and lied to smarter and more talented people, ones who actually loved and cared about radio, to achieve his egotistical and self-serving goals; and Whereas , Michaels in doing the above to hype ratings applied no-brainer, quick fix, dipshit methods to fringe radio stations in markets where the major leagues never play; and Whereas, Michaels convinced the red-neck, tobacco spittin’ used car hustlers who owned them there coffee pot radio stations that he, Michaels, could make them tons of money, which is the only reason the Good Ol’ Boys were in the radio biz; andWhereas , Michaels proceeded to preach that the FCC Act of 1996, which authorized Deregulation of Broadcast Licenses, would lead to a Licensee heaven where the streets were paved with gold; andWhereas , Michaels revealed from the start of his reign of terror that no one or nothing would stop his Hitler-like march to acquire stations for his corporate masters until they built up Clear Channel into the largest ownership monstrosity in the history of broadcasting; andWhereas , Michaels, during his term as CEO of Clear Channel showed zero compassion for company employees, stockholders, listeners, believers in the United States Bill of Rights, music lovers, recording artists, vendors, concert goers, public service groups, concert promoters, advocates of low power FM and countless others negatively affected by his soulless and senseless methods of operation; andWhereas , Michaels ignored all criticism, suggestions and questions of his actions and behavior while continuing with impunity to plunge the reputation of his company into the media toilet, taking the public’s perception of all of radio with it; andWhereas , Michaels proved once again Lord Acton’s 19th Century observation, "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely;" and, fortunately was limited from doing even further damage only by his own stupidity, lack of sophistication, diminished intellectual capacity and general propensity for pea-brained decisions; andWhereas , Michaels has on the 22nd day of July. 2002, "Agreed to relinquish his role as CEO of Clear Channel Radio and will now head up Clear Channel's New Technologies Division," which is a transparent euphemism for, "Kicked out on his dumpy ass and given a bogus title to save face, —like anyone is going to believe this bullshit;" andWhereas , On the real new technology, the Internet and email, (which Dandy Randy never understood in his heyday), word is spreading faster than crabs at the legendary First Deejay Convention, that radio is finally rid of this blight on the biz, shmuck from the muck, noxious nincompoop, no-talent nerd, worthless wuss, peripheral ponce, big-mouthed bum, under qualified quack, fart-faced fakir, useless uddersucker, ineffectual imbecile, dork-brained dumbbell, beer-guzzling buffoon, lecherous loser, contemptible cretin, sorry ass simpleton and unambiguous asshole, andWhereas, Thousands of radio lovers on both sides of the microphone are celebrating the unceremonious dumping of Randy Michaels, and he will no longer disgrace and ruin the medium we all love, to the sounds of the Silhouette's immortal "Get A Job," we Keepers of The Final Modulation Tube and Guardians of the Tower raise our fists high to proclaim, "Screw You Randy Michaels, One Time For Each Kilowatt You Distorted!"NOW, THEREFORE, I Big Kahuna of The Great And Eternal Ether, do hereby proclaim the week of July 22, 2002 asGOOD RIDDANCE RANDY MICHAELS WEEK and do hereby proclaim the day of July 26, 2002 as GOOD RIDDANCE RANDY MICHAELS DAY on American Radio and encourage each and all to get involved and participate in broadcasts, announcements and sly ad libs celebrating this event and tormenting the evil son of a bitch. IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand and caused the official seal of the Great And Eternal Ether to be affixed on this 22nd of July.* Today, Tuesday
July 23rd, would have been the 65th birthday of my friend and associate.
Robert W. Morgan. In remembrance a REAL radio man, check out the
Boss-Ography at www.
robertwmorgan.com . * Ron Jacobs was born in Honolulu. He is the author of "KHJ: Inside Boss Radio" .
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